


Feeling So High Yet So Far Away To Hold You

by lostinthesounds



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke, F/M, Tapes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-04-29 08:34:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14468901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinthesounds/pseuds/lostinthesounds
Summary: "Listen to the tapes, once you know how she feels then go tell her-""I'm invading her privacy" Bellamy argues, suddenly oblivious to the fact that he would have to confront his feelings that were dug into a hole so deep it could burst his already fragile heart. He's often fighting himself over what's right, so he is never sure of anything."She needed you, and you heard her say it. She still does" Madi finishes, squeezing his fingers and a flat smile as she walks out of the hut.Or Bellamy and Madi discussing the radio tapes of random calls of a struggling woman named Clarke who's only called for him and then some cuddling bellarke at the end, cause why not?





	Feeling So High Yet So Far Away To Hold You

**Author's Note:**

> requested by a lovely friend so I hope you all enjoy this short fic about our two favorite heros. thank you everyone!

Bellamy didn’t even know what a cassette tape was until Madi showed him the whole bin of Clarke Griffin’s radio calls over the course of six years. The first thing he thinks of, is the single old record that he found on the Ark. 

He remembers it too vividly, mostly due to the fact that he spent six more years up there and was forced to think of his less happier childhood. It was during the many trips to bring his sister Octavia, his own food rations in her holding cell in Phoenix. He was a poor boy from Walden, forgotten and alone because the damn bastards that held power had floated his mother months prior. He was so selfless for those he loved, and he still is at the age of twenty nine. 

He picked up the black disc from the dusty floor, wondering who the hell would throw out usuable plastic like that. Little Bellamy ran back to his room so fast, it was too obvious that people would think he was stealing something valuable. 

Nothing of his possessions was valuable, but his ability to love was. 

He loved that record so much, a tune of classic jazz, the type of sounds that would make his blood slow and his chocolate eyes close with ease. 

That’s what it reminds him off, and he doesn’t tell Madi how it felt like. Bellamy stops himself because the girl is so eager to pull the tapes out from its respective spots. 

“Clarke hasn’t told you guys about her tapes, has she?” Madi asks, a cute yawn escaping her lips and she covers her mouth just as fast. She’s learned that manners are important, so she takes it seriously. 

Bellamy shakes his head, fingers tapping on the dark wood of the table he was sitting at. Madi had described the room as Clarke’s work place, but he knows damn well that the girl didn’t do anything else but dream. 

Because that’s what he did too. 

He didn’t know it yet, but they dreamed for the same things. To see eachother again because that’s how much they meant in their hearts. 

“Clarke told me I shouldn’t listen to those, she said they weren’t needed to find out any information about saving the bunker” Bellamy replies, respecting the words of the girl who he cares too much for. Both of them were still too fragile about their forgotten feelings with muscle memory, and he remembers the shock on her face when he grabbed her hand the night before. He caressed her face once, it was wonderful. Nothing felt more at peace for him, and now he would do anything to not disrupt that peace again. 

Madi only laughs like the teasing girl she is because he doesn’t know anything, and he’s about to know everything. 

“They don’t help with that-“ She huffs out as she sets the bin on the seat besides the man “but it helps a guy named Bellamy because it’s a love letter about him” Bellamy stares at her in shock, his jaw locks as she still continues talking, "and your name _is_ Bellamy." 

It was late at night, with the birds quiet and the wind whistling every now and then, but he was sure that Madi could sense the light in his eyes. Clarke talked to him, confessed her love for him when he thought she was dead. He can't help but feel guilty because he was the one who left her, and apparently she cared just as much as he did. 

"a love letter? That's a bit exaggerated don't you think?" Bellamy questions, raising his eyebrow as he looked up to meet her eyes because he can't believe it even if he wanted to so the kid had to be joking. The idea of Clarke saying she loved him, the killer Bellamy Blake just shocked him beyond words he can't explain. 

So he watches as Madi steps on her toes, to try and reach all the contents in the bin because Clarke talked too much, and because she realizes that she kept all her feelings away from Bellamy. She doesn't know for sure, but it was probably because of the Echo, the other girl. It terrified her at first, remembering how she stumbled backwards when she saw the grounder tattoo on Echo's left shoulder. 

Madi may of lived her life under the floor, protected from the harsh world of the society her own parents refused to let her grow up in. But they were gone now, but she got painfully reminded of the world she hated. She shakes her head, to get her curly brown hair from getting in the way of her task at hand, but Bellamy beats her to it. 

He softens as his hand swipes a few strands of her untangled hair from the frame of her face, "Didn't you have your hair tied up earlier? Where did the hair tie go?". Madi smiles with her teeth, knowing that Bellamy cares so much about everyone. 

Even the girl he's never met before, and only has known for about two months. He's sweet like that. 

Madi knows that Clarke deserves sweet, anything to make her happy and that's what Bellamy provides. 

"A girl as wild as me loses practically everything" a rigor to her small voice because she was always raised like that and she's proud to be untamed. Bellamy remembers when Octavia was small, knowing girls at Madi's age were far from rational and good so he laughs, feeling his stomach move along with it because it's always a good thing to be something other than scared and brave. Madi hands him a single tape, it was plastic and dusty just like the one he had as a teenager, but he takes the square tape into his rough hands. 

"You're gonna stay with me?" He asks, eyeing how she plants herself in the seat next to him. 

"I'm tired, so why not?" Madi yawns again, and Bellamy knows she won't last. 

So that's how it begins. 

With Bellamy's hands holding the cassette tape and sliding it into the radio station, a bead of sweat running down the nape of his neck and he isn't certain if it was because he was uncomfortable. He's about to hear the memories of the girl sleeping next door, and he hopes he would be able to hear it all since the closer he wants to be, the farther Clarke walks away from him. 

_'Bellamy? Raven? Oh god, can you guys hear me? I finally found a radio in Arkadia in the lounge. The one in the rover had broke and now i could finally install this one because I can't stand being here anymore. It's been two months since the death wave, the radiation bubbles on my face turned into spots but they hurt like hell. I wish you guys were here. Raven, if Bellamy isn't there, please tell him to stop sulking around- i was the one that told him to go ahead without me-'_

Bellamy presses pause, his shaking hand hovering over the button like the wound in his soul just got broken in two, because he tried to hard to forget about the version of himself that was so hurt about Clarke being dead. He was a helpless cause in the beginning, as Monty loved to put it, a man snatched the right to love someone without chaos knocking at his door. He had a plan, to love Clarke during those times in space. It was always her and him, and his goal was to prove it but it failed. 

He couldn't take it. The way she called his name, with this desperation in her voice that made a sob grow into a lump in the back of his throat because he was the one who couldn't  _hear_ her at night. 

Bellamy takes the tape out, handing it to a dozing off Madi with her head in the palms , but he doesn't miss her words. He wouldn't dare so he just listens to the sleepy thoughts of someone who's known his Clarke longer than he has. 

"It’s alot to handle isn’t it? She missed you guys so much” The words mumble in her mouth, and all the man does is let his lips tremble. 

He's off to find another one, desperate to find something that won't make his insides churn at the thought of his co-leader in pain, but he finds something so much worse. He wishes that Clarke could of put labels on these damn things, because he wasn't prepared for the screams and torture. 

 _'-I've lost everything. It's been four months and it hasn't rained in a week and I'm trying so hard to stay strong. You would of wanted me to stay strong, and I'm trying so much to find a will to survive-_ Bellamy waits for her to say a name, and the wind gets knocked from his lungs when she does because it's loud and clear ' _I really wish we were together right now Bellamy, I need you. I need you with me because my life is nothing but pain and suffering right now. Just please.... be alright'_

 "Did she know that I- we couldn't talk to her?" Bellamy pauses as he lowers his voice just like how Clarke spoke, a glossiness in his horrified eyes with his attention solely on Madi besides him. It was so weird, to know this was so long ago yet so attacking on his mental state. Why would she keep this from him? 

"She didn't know you couldn't, and I think that's what hurt the most" Madi answers fast knowing not to be daunting in front of the guy she's heard so many stories about, but couldn't pinpoint what made him so special. He was the sister to the mighty beast in her dreams, Octavia who united all clans to save from the deadly nuclear wave. Too bad it killed her own people, and that's something Madi never spoke about anymore. 

As soon as Bellamy visibly saw his hand shaking against the radio knob, a sigh escapes his lips because this was the part that was real. It was a real connection for Clarke, to use the same radio device with the crappy antennas and failed wishes, to connect herself to him. 

"Who else did she talk too? I'm sure Raven would of loved to know how she got the rover working" 

Madi hops off the chair, "She talked to all of you, but she wanted you to tell them everything. So Bellamy, she was really just talking to you" 

Just him. 

Bellamy doesn't know what to do with himself, the intensity of the situation, of how he's feeling was so bombarding that it shocks and makes his face hot. He reaches over and grabs at least ten cassette taps, setting them aside so the transition would be easy. He doesn't know how he's feeling, but it's okay because right then in that moment, he longed for the confession of how Clarke felt. 

He hears footsteps behind him, somehow the comfort of knowing it was Madi made him feel better about all of this. She was the one who made his partner happy throughout the years so he understands the loyalty of having a family. For a long time, it was only Octavia and him and then it became his friends in space. They were his place, his comfort in dark times when all his brain would think of was Clarke Griffin. 

But, things hadn't changed. His home was damaged, torn apart by the reality of loneliness and so much emotional baggage that it even breaks down her walls sometimes. It was Clarke, the home he didn't have to hope to return to anymore. 

"Some tapes are dark Bellamy, I know i can't stop you but please don't feel bad about leaving her here. She found me and she was okay afterwards, she forgives you" She tries to warn him. 

He turns in his wooden chair, surprised at how the girl expected so much. 

"It was only after she met you that she was okay Madi, you heard that tape too? The pain only subsided and that's a feeling I've  _known_ too" Bellamy whispers the last few words hating when the memories start pouring back. Quite literally, because he couldn't keep track of how much moonshine he consumed the first month back on the Ark. 

That's how messed up he was. 

He's glad she doesn't argue, but only walks her way over to the man to rest her hand on top of his. Madi may know Clarke like the back of her small hand, but she also knows when people need comfort. 

"Listen to the tapes, once you know how she feels then go tell her-" 

"I'm invading her privacy" Bellamy argues, suddenly oblivious to the fact that he would have to confront his feelings that were dug into a hole so deep it could burst his already fragile heart. He's often fighting himself over what's right, so he is never sure of anything. 

"She needed you, and you heard her say it. She still does" Madi finishes, squeezing his fingers and a flat smile as she walks out of the hut. 

Like Octavia Blake, the mighty beast, Madi was just as stubborn and heart driven. 

 

 _'I found someone today. It's a little girl and she was just staring at me like I was the crazy one sitting in a chair and eating bland flavored berries-_ Bellamy hears her breathe heavily like she's out of breath or in pain-  _'she trapped me. The kid trapped my leg and I had to tear the metal out from my skin. Can you hear me screaming from up there? God, it hurt so much. This would've been so much easier if i knew you were alive Bellamy, to know that i would see you again. Now i'm gonna try and get some sleep because i pass out from the infection. I'll try again to reach the bunker tomorrow, and try to talk to you guys, yeah i'll try my best._

Bellamy wants to cry but all he does is laugh, because he tried to patch her up after Raven bit her arm and he remembered not knowing what the hell to do with a bleeding arm and a angry Clarke beside him. It truly would've been so much easier knowing the other was alive, but the world clearly hates the both of them. 

He slides in another tape, welcoming the silence and static as a companion in that moment. 

_'You have no idea how hard it is to brush out Madi's curls with a brush.....Absolutely no idea. My arms are sore because the brush sucked and didn't have any bristles to actually do something to try and tame her. Anyways, she's asleep now and i'm alone to talk to you. I'm looking up at the stars Bell, and they shine so bright that it makes me forget about the death wave sometimes. I hope you're doing okay up there, cause you're the reminder of what praimfaya caused me. I lost you. I lost one of the most important people in my life and it sucks. I should probably get some sleep too, bye'_

Bellamy heard her laugh, smile and hopeful. All of the things that he hadn't had the chance to witness since the first couple weeks on the ground when he was reckless and she was stubborn. But, they worked together and he learned to never take it for granted. Plus, she's never called him Bell before and it makes the grin on his face grow because he's the happy one. 

She lost him in the stars. 

He was looking for her on a burning patch of green.  

They never really did give on eachother, and that's what gave Clarke that permanent burst of hope and light in her dark days. 

 

_'Three years. I really made it three years with Madi. I miss you so come back soon, maybe if I keep radioing you everyday.....the time would run faster and I'll see you again. Is it weird that i wish you were holding me right now? You were too good with those hugs, and I want one'_

He picked a tape that flash-forwarded into a couple years later, and it only makes his heart ache cause he didn't expect to get a random statement like that, so vulnerable and soft. His hand twitches, fighting the instinct to just go to Clarke and hold her in his arms like how she wanted. 

All though, he waits as he starts to feel his body cramp because he's been sitting down for so long. Bellamy won't allow himself to move away, falling too deep in the past so he sits cross-legged. The heavy soles and ridges of his shoes scratch against the thin material of his pants to remind him of his reality. 

He's with Clarke again, and the thought making him smile again as he pulls out the last tape and repeats the pattern of installing another one. Bellamy soon feels his cheeks ache from the joy spreading because he hears two voices instead of one. 

 

_'Shush Madi.....don't you have dishes to clean?....fix that sass first...no! you can't grab the fish with your bare hands!....Oh Bellamy, you never told me how hard raising a girl was when we were together. She wants to talk to you almost as much as I do, but i keep telling her that mama needs her privacy too. I could tell she's gonna love you, because i already do. Gosh- you can't hear me and i'm flustered. Uh-bye Bellamy. Tomorrow at the same time for sure'_

Mama. 

It fits Clarke, and makes Bellamy's body warm because she was at peace. 

That's all he wanted if she died, and he had believed it until finding out she was alive. 

She sounds beautiful over the radio, less broken and more motherly. He could definitely see how Madi titled all of this as a love letter to him, and it takes a while to process. 

His foot digs into his thigh, actually becoming physically uncomfortable to sit in a chair for so long, that's when he knows that he can't stay there all night. The tapes would always be there, unlike the feeling in his bones and the cramping. So Bellamy decides to listen to one more, pressing down on the pause button to release the cassette and humming to the air surrounding him before picking. 

_'Six years Bellamy. you're the one that's late. Please be okay, I can't lose you and you're supposed to be down here. Come back please, i need you again and i would really like to tell you something in person. I cant hold it back anymore Bell, and you probably think i'm dead but I love you. I always have and i need you to come back down so i could tell you damnit. Where the hell are you?'_

I love you? 

It's all he wants to hear, letting it ring in his ears over and over until his memory forgets it for the time being. Clarke loves him, and that's exactly what Madi was explaining to him and he thought it was a joke. Falling in love with someone is special, so Bellamy feels stupid because he knew she was special all of the time. 

What they had, it was special. 

If he would of known these tapes existed in space, in Clarke's heart and routine, he hates how much Raven would be bothered to fix the coms because it would of been Bellamy's only wish. 

Where the hell was Bellamy? 

The man behind the question was mourning a girl who he's come to love and protect because he loved so deeply. 

 

                                                                                                       ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

 

Clarke feels an empty breeze in her room, cold air tapping on the bare skin on her legs because she had enough material to cut a few of her bottoms to make shorts for the upcoming spring season. Even though sleep had become peaceful since her friends came back, the small annoyances in the middle of the night was enough to wake her up. 

"Hey, you awake?" a deep voice asks from the door frame, being cautious of his steps so he could retreat if he needed to. She should've known that Bellamy would be so generous to even ask because she would of slipped into his own bed covers at night if it was the opposite. 

She playfully groans as she turns over "Now I am, what's up?."

"I just wanted to spend time with you" Bellamy feels a blush beginning to creep up his neck, even when he's just as tired and just as flustered. He watches as Clarke glances at the reflection of the moonlight against her hut knowing it was late in the evening. 

"If you wanted to sleep with me, you don't need to ask" She realizes her context was drawn out of line and her eyes widen a bit, looking away when all he does is share a big smile. 

"-Not in that way, but yeah. You could come inside" Clarke gestures with her mind a bit foggy, sudden to the closeness he would provide with him being right at her side as they both drift off to sleep. 

Bellamy lets out a sigh, sliding the boots off his feet and making himself  _comfortable_ in her bed. It was soft, the thin blankets were a likely barrier to how close he actually wanted to be in that moment, and he swore under the midst of the dew smelling air as Clarke just pulls herself into his arms. 

It was like she could read his mind sometimes , because she was thinking the same thing of how she wanted to be at the three year mark of her heroic journey. 

He freezes in place and it makes her want to pull away "S-Sorry, I just feel like I'll sleep better if we do this.” 

Bellamy could feel her fingers have a lazy grip on his bicep, knowing that his rapidly beating heart was thumping against the frown on her cheeks and he doesn't wanna pull away either. She wants this, and he would be cruel to not provide. 

So he tightens his grip on her smaller waist, closing his eyes to live in those few minutes before they slept, simply just loving the attention and steady breaths against his chest from Clarke. 

"Comfortable now?" Bellamy tries to joke, licking his dry lips. 

She adjusts in his grasp just for emphasis, and a laugh erupts in his chest. 

"I'm wonderful, how about you?" 

_I listened to your radio tapes and I think i may of fallen for you again._

He doesn't know why he does at first, but his lips find the spot on her forehead. He could feel her relax, so he lets himself feel her skin against his lips for a couple more seconds since they both enjoy it. 

Bellamy breathes steadily, pulling away just after one soft kiss to say goodnight. 

"I'm doing good, always have been with you by my side"

He rests his head against the other pillow, holding the blanket against the back of Clarke's body to make sure she's covered and warm, and she cuddles into his side. Neither of them, especially Bellamy had the courage to explain how overwhelming it felt to kiss her face again so they embrace eachother and he lets her hold onto him as tightly as she desired. 

"Can we talk in the morning?" Bellamy whispers to her, setting his head to rest on top of her blonde hair because he doesn't want to run away this time. He needs to tell her about the tapes and confront her about what they could be. He knows they could be something great, an epic story in a world so cruel to him. 

It’s a sudden response, Bellamy thinking that she’s gonna forget in the morning. 

His pulse quickens because she rests her lips on his collarbone as the only answer to his question and that's when Bellamy comes to the conclusion that he really likes the feeling too much. 

She pauses, but nods as her eyes flutter shut. "Of course" 

Because all she thinks of is what she heard before she fell into her deep slumber, and before the man she held onto woke her up again. How can she forget anything related to him? 

_I heard you listening to the tapes, and I'll talk to Madi tomorrow but please say you feel the same way._

_say you love me._


End file.
